In the living room
Watching the evening news
There s a briefing soon
That I just can t miss
I hear that Connie Chung
The bitch I really love
Just hurled herself
Off of a cliff

It s irony
To me
I can t believe what I see
On the TV
My fantasy
I d never expect her to be
The one
Who dies
Cuz last night
I jerked off to her a couple times
How could it get worse?
I got the whacking curse

Woke up to the radio
Last night again, you know
Apparently my favorite show
Won t be shown no more
Brooke Shields is dead for good
She used to give me wood
She shot herself, what a cruel world
Why does God take all the good girls?

Did she
Think of me
Before she went all crazy
And how we
As a family
How perfect we were meant to be
How could this get worse?
I was born with the whacking curse

I figured all was not lost
I could kill off my boss
But he s a three-hundred-fifty pound man
So its tough to jerk off
While your dick s going soft
I couldn t get enough lube in my hand
And finally I said to myself
I guess I ll just give up
Cuz I can t kill anyone ugly
Unless I m really fucking drunk